Resume

I will be available in January 2009, am willing to relocate.
( Please don't skip the last section!)

RESUME

GEORGE W. BUSH

1600 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam. College: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the reco rd for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. I n my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire, " Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and m oney was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election) I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW!

Evolution vs. Creationism

Evolution vs. Creationism. This has been a very hotly debated topic and there seems to be a lot of misconceptions and misinformation out there. One such misconception is that if you believe in evolution than you do not believe in God, and another prominent one is that evolution means that we came monkeys. There also seems to be a lot of animosity out there towards people who do not believe the same as the majority. There is nothing wrong with having differing opinions. If everyone believed the same thing this world would be an incredibly boring place.

With that said, I would like to add that evolution and the belief in God have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other. Nor does evolutionary theory state anywhere that we come from monkeys. I believe in God and Jesus and angels and Divine intervention and miracles. But I also believe in science. I have been a student of both science and theology (all religions) for most of my life. There is nothing in science that disputes the existence of a God. According to evolutionary theory, homo sapiens sapiens (that is modern man) evolved through a long line of ancestors. Homo sapiens sapiens from homo erectus from homo neanderthalis and so on down the line. We and all primates are cousins. We are all part of the same evolutionary tree as it were. As simians evolved the tree split into several different branches, each with it's own evolutionary line. One branch formed the many species of monkeys (lemurs, gibbons, baboons, etc), another branch formed great apes (gorillas, chimps, orangutans, etc.), and the third formed us - humans. So we do not come from monkeys, we are merely their cousins, genetically speaking. This in no way discounts an existence of God. Someone had to start the ball rolling didn't they? Besides, all evolution states is that the many species that live on this planet, from single-celled amoeba to humans, have the ability to learn and adapt to their environments. THAT'S IT. It doesn't even try to touch the subject of God or religion. And proof of that is evident in the Bible you are reading. The mere fact that the original draft of that book was written by hand on parchment scrolls and we are now communicating on a computer shows that we as a species have the ability to learn and adapt to our environments, thus proving that we have evolved over the past 2000 years. God didn't make the computer you're typing on, but He did give you the ability to learn how to use it. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Also as far as creationism is concerned and the theory of intelligent design, you must also realize that what you are reading in the Bible is not the only account. What you are reading comes from the Old Testament which was a recounting of a story originally contained in the 5 Books of Moses. This story was originally adapted as a way of shaming the Canaanite's Goddess. The Canaanites were a matriarchal society (ruled by women) and the Israelites were a patriarchal society (ruled by men), and they were constantly at war. The Canaanites worshiped a female creator deity called Lilith. The Israelites that adapted their own creation story to include a condemnation of their deity. When you read about the Garden of Eden you learn that the original female creation was not Eve, it was Lilith. God created them both equally. As an equal Lilith refused to serve Adam and fled the Garden into the barren wastes that was the world beyond. Once there, she was turned into a vampire like creature (which is where that myth originates) and became the leader of all the evil creatures that filled that void. In fact, the 5 books of Moses are filled with tales of her wickedness after her transformation. Anywho. After that, God created Eve from Adam's rib. From man to serve man. And I'm sure you know the rest of the story from there. And just a little side note, if you actually look at all religions and mythologies, every single one of them has a creation theory, a flood story, a serpent, and a virgin birth. So it is not a uniquely Christian thing either. And the remember, the only difference between a religion and a myth is that a religion is something that you believe and a myth is something someone else believes.

Now I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to bash them or contradict their beliefs in ANY way. I am absolutely not trying to do that. I just want you to realize that you can believe in God and science at the same time, they do not contradict each other. I also think we need to stay open minded and tolerant when it comes to other peoples beliefs - regardless of what they might be. Remember, minds are like parachutes. They only function when open. :)